The Will and Obedience

                                                                 

Gentle Parents,

I came across this article I wrote some time ago and evidently forgot to post!  I tuned it up and  I think it is of value.  Won't you please do me the favor of reading it?  It's about the development of the Will and Obedience.

                                                                 A Matter of Semantics


"She's just so strong-willed!  I can't get her to do anything I ask."   "He's a handful, but at least he has a strong will."

I often hear parents, teachers, even Montessorians (who should know better) using the term "strong-willed" in this manner.  People use it to mean a child who will not bend his will to the will of another: a disobedient child.  Because of my training, I have something else in mind, when I speak about the will.  A child deemed "strong-willed" is, in fact, in possession of a weak, as yet undeveloped will. I'll explain.

We all wish for obedient children.  They're just easier.  But obedience doesn't come in a box like a new dress that we can just put on a child and BAM!  They're obedient.  Obedience is an achievement of natural development that comes, finally, in its own good time.  Here's how we get there:

First, we must regard the will.  The will is the ability to make ones physical being follow a command that one gives oneself.  As I type this, I am exercising my will.  As you read it, you are exercising yours.  Montessori observed that the Will, (and she did capitalize it) is the foundation of obedience.  Obedience then develops in 3 stages.   The first stage occurs when the child is very young.  A known and trusted adult such as a parent or a teacher, tells a child to do something.  If that command happens to coincide with the child's natural urges to develop himself, the ones he is experiencing in that moment, he will follow the command.  Its pretty hit and miss.  This is not a character defect in the child.  This does not make her "naughty" or "bad."  It is simply that her will is in the early stages of development.  It is still a weak psychic muscle that needs to be built up. The child under 3 is a disciple of her unconscious urges to create an adult.  Any command that does not coincide with this primary, undeniable command from Nature (to grow and become an adult) cannot be obeyed.  This protects the child from being unduly influenced to leave her rightful, developmental path.
 Another obstacle for the child is his own ineptitude.  This is a young child who can very often not make his body do what he himself wants it to do!  He cannot yet zip his jacket, turn a sleeve right-side-in or put his hood up when it starts raining.  So telling him to put on his coat is probably futile.  He hasn't learned to bend his will to his own desires.  How can he bend it to yours?  The child is limited by his level of competence.

The second level of obedience is exhibited next.  Now the child can obey.  She is skilled and competent.  She has had much practice in making choices, planning activities and following them through to their end.  She can now direct her will and and even follow the will of another.

The third level of obedience is just like the second, only now it has become a joy and a pleasure to obey the commands of an authority, such as a respected parent or trusted teacher.  The child thrills to do the bidding of this beloved adult and the child's obedience is an expression of love.

Wow!  I can sense you all salivating, wondering how we can get to this delicious state of affairs!  I must inform you that it is possible and entirely do-able, but not easy.  It is the work of years.  Are you ready to undertake such a task?  Great!  We'll do it together!

First, we must allow the child to exercise her Will by giving her the opportunity to do meaningful work.  This is huge.  By making a choice, selecting the materials that are needed, creating a work area, performing the task until the CHILD is satisfied and then cleaning up the work area, putting all materials away, the child builds her Will.  She is practicing bending it to her commands.  She is practicing competence.  She is becoming independent.  We, the on-looking adult, may become bored with what the child is doing.  We may be anxious for her to "progress" to the next thing.  We may not find her activities meaningful.  But is she repeating the activity?  Ad nauseum?  Is she focused on it?  Then it is, for her, meaningful work, driven by that insatiable innate urge to build herself up into an adult.  We must refrain from interrupting her.  Even a baby, who is focusing on someone's face, or on a cow in the field or a mobile in the crib, is concentrating.  Adults cannot resist a baby and desire the baby's attention, the baby's gaze, so we often interrupt the concentration of the infant and call her name or talk to her.  We unknowingly interrupt the baby's "work" and sabotage her developing ability to concentrate.

Secondly, we have to stop bossing the children about unnecessarily!  We don't mean to.  We often don't even think twice about it, we just start telling them what to do.  I have heard it said that parents could give their children a mere 1/5 of the verbal commands they habitually offer and the kids would be just fine.  And they can't obey (at least 50% of the time) and so that leads to conflict.  It also leads to a habit of children ignoring the adults in their lives.  How different would it be if we were more mindful in the commands we give to children?  Instead of assuming they need our instruction, what if we observed first to see what they were going to do?  Maybe she will make a good choice.  But what if she's doing something and then experiences an obstacle preventing her from carrying out her chosen task?  Wait.  Watch her struggle.  That struggle is building her will, isn't it?  Maybe she can persist, overcome and proceed.   Maybe not.  Maybe there is one little thing we could assist with to allow the child to keep following his Will and only helped with that one little thing, then let the child go on serving himself?  Now, we all know that it is more efficient to just swoop in and do the task for the child.  Make her snack, clean up the dishes, bathe her, dress her, etc.  But you are your child's first and most important teacher.  A wise teacher helps the child to do things for herself.  One who simply does them for the child is a servant. Servants are great, but it will benefit our kids more if we are teachers.  Let's be teachers.

However, once you have decided that intervention is necessary, be prepared to back it up.  Be a parent of action, not mere words.  Once you set a limit or give a command, it must be followed through.  Otherwise, we lose the trust of the child.  She will quickly perceive that you do not mean what you say and, therefore, can be ignored.  So say less, but mean it more.  Set limits and be consistent.  Don't apologize for the boundaries you have set.  They are wise and benevolent, are they not?  To say, "I'm sorry, but I can't have you running into the parking lot." is disingenuous.  You aren't sorry in the least.  Parking lots are dangerous.

Another thing we can do to support the development of the Will is to provide good choices and limit the possibilities of bad choices.  Let's have a few, thoughtfully chosen playthings, Practical Life activities, art materials and books in our homes.  That sets the stage for the meaningful work to take place.  We don't want to have so many possessions that cleaning up becomes a herculean task that no one wants to attempt. Cleaning up is as important a step in the work/play process as the choosing, the setting up and the activity itself.  To let a child think that she can make messes and others will clean them up for her is not the way to mold a good citizen.  And those bad choices we want to limit?  That is already partially accomplished by limiting the Stuff and Clutter.  Now your child cannot choose to create a mass of  mess.  It might be further accomplished by child locks on the knife drawer, getting rid of the TV and videos and keeping only wholesome food in the house.  Why fill your home with things that are unhealthy choices that you really don't want your child to have access to?  Why have unnecessary conflict?  There will be conflict enough, because that's Life.  But why add to it?

In summation, the Will is developed over time, helped along by the restraint of benevolent adults.  The adults provide good choices, observe to interpret how best to help the least, speak less and mean it more and trust that their child's ability to obey will come if nurtured, primarily through self-chosen activity.  Dr Montessori's desire for the child was ever to have "a heart that feels, an eye that sees and a hand that obeys."  Obedience gets a bum rap, I think, as being the realm of the weak-willed, but I hope that the offerings above demonstrate that, quite the opposite; to obey is to deploy one's psychic strength. Strength takes time and exercise to develop. 

Best regards,
Doni