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Offering a small school atmosphere for the Corvallis-Philomath community since 1984

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Limits

We had a fun evening here at school the other night.  Jessica and I hosted "Hands on in the Casa" and a large number of our parents turned out to play with our Montessori materials.   I spoke very briefly at the beginning before turning parents loose to engage with our fascinating, scientifically-designed apparatuses.  After everyone had gone home, I asked Jessica for her feedback regarding my little speech.  I was actually fishing for a compliment, but instead, I got honest critique.  Jessica said that she wished I had spent a bit more time talking about limits.  I mentioned merely that we provided limits and that limits are what keeps freedom (a variety of good, positive choices) from becoming license (a blank check of permissiveness), but perhaps I didn't elaborate sufficiently about why limits are so valuable in child-rearing.  Therefore, this blog post.

One aspect of Montessori philosophy is a belief in Human Tendencies.  These have been observed by pedagogists and psychologists who pre-date Dr. Montessori and she observed them at work in the children in her very first Casa de Bambini in the slum of San Lorenzo.  Some Human Tendencies are orientation, order, exploration, communication, activity, work, repetition, perfection and love.  These tendencies are powerful forces that guided our pre-historic ancestors.  Indeed, they guided the evolution of civilization and brought us to our current state as the dominant species on planet Earth.  Not bad, considering we were once naked, cold, defenseless and prey to so many other, better-equipped animals.  These same tendencies that guided humanity as a whole guide your individual child throughout her life.

Think of the tendency of orientation, in which the child is figuring our where and how he fits in to the environment, whether that be the home, the school, the play park, etc.  One wonders how far he is allowed to roam, what he is allowed to take, what activities take place in which space, with whom she may converse or how he can get something to eat or drink.  The tendency of exploration calls us to look, listen, touch, smell and taste to take in the whole of this environment. The tendency of order encourages us to know where things are and where to put them back when finished, what the rules that provide the social order, the roles of the individuals around us, the routine of the day.  Perhaps the reader can speculate already about how important clear limits would be in satisfying these human tendencies.

Children, even rebellious children, need and are satisfied by limits.  They want and need them so much that they will look for them until they are found.  Limits help us to feel secure and that we know what we are doing.  They help us to be and feel competent.  If the limits are changeable, foggy or wishy-washy, then the child must keep seeking/testing the limit until it is constant, clear and solid. If I were to tell the children that there is no talking when we exit for fire drill, but then allowed the talking anyway, that would be an unclear limit and would only serve to encourage the children to keep talking to experiment with the limit.  "Did the teacher mean what she said?  I can't tell.  It seems not.  Perhaps she never means what she says. Let's keep testing until we figure this out!"  It is easy to see how limits that are expressed but not enforced lead to some challenging behaviors.  It's not the child's fault.  She is at the mercy of her human tendency to explore the teacher's intent, to orient herself to the rules of the classroom and to try to find the order in a system in which things are said, but not meant.  What a waste of her energy and mine!

In contrast, if limits are consistently and relentlessly shown to the child, he will eventually realize that this limit is real and solid.  The testing fades away and the child is free to turn his incredible human energy to other tasks.  It does take some children longer than others.  This may be attributed to the persistence of the child.  It may relate to a lack of consistent limits at home or with a caregiver.  As I point out,  limits that are not consistently enforced only serve to fuel the child's desire to explore and finally find that limit!  Once the child accepts that there are limits, it is as if Basic Training is over and the child is set free to pursue interests in an environment that they now understand and trust.  There is a feeling of ease and confidence that allows them to explore further, in a sanctioned way.

Lastly, limits are part of life.  A Montessori classroom and a family home should be microcosms of life that prepare us for the larger world.  A child who is not given limits will be ill-suited to the realities of life.  In life, we all follow rules, procedures and laws.  Cause and effect reigns.  We can expect to live as comfortable a life as we are willing to work for.  A+ behavior usually brings A+ rewards. D- behavior has an equivalent result.   Fortunately, that is the world our kids are born into.  Sadly, other children, who are less-privileged than ours,  cannot rely on that equation of effort = reward as circumstances are so stacked against them.

Let's imagine the adult who was reared without limits.  That person was brought up to think he/she could do no wrong and he/she is entitled to have/do whatever they fancy.  Not only will this insufferable person be a curse to anyone unfortunate enough to marry or hire him/her, but this person will be unhappy all the days of their lives.  After all, if one has the expectation that they can have/do whatever they want and the rest of humanity is not in agreement, that is going to be a long, disappointing ride.  This entitled person will never feel gratitude because they assume they always deserve to have the first and the best and to have it right now.  When something good happens, well, they were due anyway.  When something bad happens, that will be viewed as a grave injustice.  It may be difficult for some parents to provide limits as they seem to cause the child discomfort at the moment and will likely lead to a struggle, but in the long term, they are insurance for future happiness and success.

I hope parents find these musings helpful and will examine the limits or lack thereof in their child's home life and have some in place.  Good places to start might be: no hurting people,  carry your plate to the kitchen after a meal, hold onto my coat when we get out of the car so that you are safe and close,  finish this yogurt or apple before taking another, use the back of office paper for your drawings, remove your shoes before entering.... and on and on.  Even if moms and dads don't need these limits, your child does!  It's good training for life!

Best regards,

Doni