Grace and Courtesy to the Rescue!

Dearest Guide,

It seems that familiarity is truly breeding contempt for my brood as we have been cooped up for far too many weeks. Sibling rivalry has become a constant source of discord in our home.  Any suggestions?

Sincerely, Why Did I Have Two?

Dear Why Did I,

You aren't the only parent who is worried for her offspring's present and future relationships.  And you are wise to arm yourself with knowledge, as gone unchecked, sibling rivalry can become so toxic, a child can become so jealous and competitive that it seeps into all aspects of their lives.  They become pathologically fierce, needing to win at all costs, in all things, all arguments, by fair means or foul.

That won't happen here, Gentle Parent, as you are taking steps to help the children in your family manage their relationships. Let's begin with the Montessori tradition of Lessons of Grace and Courtesy.  These are little plays that show, as the name suggests, a courteous and graceful way of interacting with others in a social situation. In a Montessori classroom the children learn that respecting others is so important that special lessons are presented on the subject.  A guide in the Casa dei Bambini, sometimes with the help of an assistant or a child, gathers a small group to show, for example, "How to close a door quietly."  "How to carry a tray horizontally." " How to ask someone for help." "How to blow one's nose."  "How to ask to borrow something."  "How to offer help."  "How to walk around someone's work."  "How to observe without interruption."  "How to offer someone a snack."  "How to offer a guest a seat."  "How to decline a request."  "How to take turns."  "How to pass by a group or pair of people."  And the list goes on infinitely.  We identify lessons that need to be shown and who especially needs to see them by observing our group's dynamics. The lessons are always given to a group (I often show our whole group, but then, I always was a rebel!) in order to avoiding singling anyone out.  These lessons are used as an alternative to nagging, shaming, threatening, punishing and other untasty tactics.

To present a lesson, the guide will tell the name of the lesson.  "I'm going to show you how to move out of someone's way when they say 'Excuse me.'"  Another lesson that might be wise to give pretty closely on the heels of this one might be "How to wait patiently for someone to move out of your way."  The guide and her helper, the assistant or child, show how to perform this little nicety, which they have practiced beforehand.  There is no extraneous talk or action to distract from the elements of  making the request for accommodation by saying "Excuse me" and the accommodation of moving out of the area needing to be accessed.  After that is shown once, perhaps twice, the guide asks children to model what they have just witnessed for the rest of the group, assigning roles to two children.  The children perform the rite as well as they are able. A few other children are chosen to demonstrate.  The guide tries to choose two really capable children to be the final model, our last impression. 

I have recently learned about, but have not yet implemented the idea of having a basket with various Grace and Courtesy Lessons written on them, which children can act out together, practice, polish and present to a small group of children.  I love this idea and look forward to doing this one day.  I can see this activity playing itself out in a home setting.  You, Gentle Parent, could identify some interactions between family members that would make home life more harmonious if they were carried out in a more peaceable way.  Envision what you would like them to look like.  Is it a one-person show like, "how to clear your place after a meal" or a duet such as "how to ask for space to calm down." If you need a fellow actor, seek one of your kids or another adult in your household to practice the mini-play with.  If it is the latter and you are working with a partner, one of you will be the person seeking connection and the other will be the person seeking space in this example. Let's call them C (for connection) and S (for space).  C says something like, "Can't we just talk about this?" and S says something like, "I need some space right now.  I'll be back when I'm ready to talk."  S walks away and C watches him go.  End scene. 

After you and your partner have practiced this, decide when it would be a good time to gather your group and have your performance.  Be lighthearted, but sincere.  Do what actors call "committing to the part."  Don't act like you think it's silly or embarrassing, but show how much you care about this.  After all, you've been practicing!  "Mommy and I have practiced a Lesson of Grace and Courtesy we want to show you.  Please be seated on the couch."  Make eye contact with your audience to see that they are ready to receive the lesson. Take your places and show it just like you rehearsed.  Did they love it?  Do it again!  Now say, "who wants to take a turn playing one of these parts?"  or " who wants to show Mommy and me how to do it?"  See if they will take a turn. If not, that's okay.  Just say, "I'm going to write this down on a card and put it in our new Grace and Courtesy basket.  If you want to take it out and do it later, it will be here."  And you write down, or perhaps you have already written "How to ask for space to calm down."  There!  You just started a fun new collection!

After you demonstrate a few of these, you could suggest that your children observe what Lessons of Grace and Courtesy your family might benefit from.  Choosing, planning, practicing and performing the lessons could be a really fun family activity they turn to again and again.  Lessons of Grace and Courtesy are one way we head off discord before its seeds are sown. 

As for other ways to put a stop to sib squabbles, I highly recommend what Positive Parenting has to say.  They offer an article online "How to End Sibling Rivalry in 6 Simple Steps" that is really excellent.  I'm sorry I didn't include a link, but I don't know how to do that here.  This post is not complete, however, without you at least skimming the 6 simple ideas contained in that article.  I chose not to reiterate them for you here and give credit where it is due.  They are all superb and effective ideas that will make your family happier!  Kudos to Positive Parenting.   Thank you for writing in, Gentle Parent.  Wishing you ever increasing peace and harmony, I remain,

Your Guide,
Doni